"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him; for we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life" (2 Corinthians 2:14-16a, NIV).
We give off smells. Of course, I'm speaking figuratively. Even though, there is a person or two out there that are the real deal, haha, and everyone has someone that comes to mind. However, that isn't want this post is about. =)
The truth is, we give off smells. These smells could be harmful and gross, or delightful and enticing. Our attitudes and how we treat people will determine what kind of aroma we are omitting. As children of God, we need to be a continuation of Christ. We need to be radiating from God, and channeling his attitude and love towards others. The stench we leave is like the damage we leave behind.
Think about it. If you smell awful, it's probably because you've been rolling around in something dirty, or you just haven't bathed in a while. You haven't been taking care of yourself. Everywhere you go, you omit some sort of horrid smell. People are affected by these smells and become automatically disgusted as you walk by. That smell, in a small essence, is a direct result of you. You stink. You spread your stinkiness. People suffer because of it. This can be parallel to your attitude as a person. If you are rude, offensive, or ignore others, what kind of smell do you think people are picking up? Something sweet and intriguing? Probably not. They will be turned off by you.
This isn't just a metaphor used to represent negative behaviors. It can be used to mimic positive, Christ-like behaviors as well. If you are showing love to others, and respecting each other, the chances are people will be more drawn to you. If you encourage and support your fellow peers and are always there to listen and never judge, do you think people are going to be turned off by you? No! It's like finding your favorite smelling perfume/cologne, or a beautiful flower and has a beautiful scent. You are drawn to these things, and often times you can't get enough of them. You take deep breaths and close your eyes as your nose is filled with the amazing fragrance, and it feels up your lungs. You want to soak in it forever.
Imagine if we were the aroma of Christ. Christ was already perfect, he already led the way and showed us how to live. What if we were the left behind scent, though? The living and breathing result of his life. Think of how many more people would be drawn to us if we showed everyone a radical love and undying encouragement? I am aware that one smell does not appeal to all, and some will find it disgusting, but God understood that: "...To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life"
Confession: I stink.
No, I don't mean physically, but spiritually. I gossip. I speak ill of others. If you annoy me, my face tends to show it. I am short with people. I don't always show people the kindness and love they deserve. I know I don't show it to people who don't deserve it. So I stink. I am not the aroma of Christ, although I am quick to claim that I am.
I had never really read that verse, at the top of the blog, and understood it until today. I never paid much attention to it. Now, I understand that attaching the Christ Follower label to my life, should mean I'm omitting something different than the rest of the world. I should be a direct result of Christ, and how I act should represent that.
Based on how people act today, the world is pretty rancid.
Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all the true aroma of Christ?
I doubt I could get enough of it. =)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Pretender
Pretending.
We all do it.
You may say you don't.
But you're lying.
Let me explain. I am a pretender. I love the Lord on the outside but on the inside, I come up short. I am the best actress I know. People tell me that I'm such a great, Christian girl and that I have everything together. They never really worry about me getting into a lot of trouble because I have a servant's heart. That just proves to me that I put on a pretty great show.
The truth is, the things I preach and tell myself are true don't always reach the heart of me. I believe in God, but I doubt him too. I am usually pretty quick to defend what I believe, or at least say there is a God. When I start thinking about it though, it's hard for me to grasp the concept with a clear understanding. There is a God? How did He get here? Is it possible for something to just BE there? Did the stories in the Bible just come as a way to explain things? Or did God facilitate the Scriptures?
Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he!"
My head is full of these doubtful questions. I realize though, that it is the work of the enemy.
Because I doubt, and actually allow these questions to be mulled over in my mind, does that mean I don't really believe He exists? Satan tries to separate us from God, and I can reluctantly say that he's got a good hold of me right now. He is filling my mind and my thoughts with doubting questions and I spend more time doubting what is true, than reading the Truth. I fail miserably at reading the Bible. There is some kind of barrier that I reach every time I want to reach for it and actually read from it. I've tried in the past to do daily devotions and sometimes I've been successful. That fire I experience fades and I'll go months without picking it up. MONTHS! How is that facilitating a healthy relationship with Christ? How can I sit here and say that I am a true follower if I can't even TRY to have a relationship with Him? I'm living a lie.
I go to church, I try to pray and talk to God. The truth is, I want to build a relationship. I play the "good little Christian" card and try not to curse, drink, and try to stray away from sexual impurities. All that is though, is an act. I don't do those things because I believe they are wrong. But WHY are they wrong? Because society says so? On the outside I'm walking the line I'm supposed to as a person who follows Christ. Any outsider would hopefully agree with that. However, on the inside... well, it's a whole other story. A battle is raging. One I'm not sure how it will end.
The sad part is, I'm so quick to judge others who claim to be a Christian and yet refuse to try and follow the lifestyle. Then I'm reminded of this passage:
Matthew 7:1-5 -- Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?' You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
It's human nature to point the finger at someone. Relinquish all blame on oneself and pass it off on someone else. Taking responsibility for ones actions is not the desired thing to do. We, as Christians, need to learn to stop being hypocrites. While I understand that it is easier said than done, and we will struggle with this concept, it is something we should strive to do. Be open with each other about our sins and struggles. Have someone there who will make you accountable. Worry about yourself. It's easy to notice the flaws in others, and I do it rather well. I need to be more honest with myself and my flaws. I need people to point these out for me with truth and love. We are supposed to hold each other accountable.
Back to what I mentioned before. I am a pretender. Searching to find a true relationship in Christ and needing strong, tough love to get there. I want to be vulnerable with my peers and behave the way my heart believes. I want my actions and my thoughts to match. I want to love what is considered the "least of these" because God calls us to do so.
Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
I'm tired of living life on a pedestal. I'm ready to break through my laziness and these barriers Satan as set up around me. I want to have Christ's eyes and love and serve the people around me. I want to stop judging people and being annoyed with people I don't feel like deserve my time. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and he does not pick favorites.
I just pray that I can eventually mirror on the inside what everyone says I am on the outside. I'm ready to stop pretending.
We all do it.
You may say you don't.
But you're lying.
Let me explain. I am a pretender. I love the Lord on the outside but on the inside, I come up short. I am the best actress I know. People tell me that I'm such a great, Christian girl and that I have everything together. They never really worry about me getting into a lot of trouble because I have a servant's heart. That just proves to me that I put on a pretty great show.
The truth is, the things I preach and tell myself are true don't always reach the heart of me. I believe in God, but I doubt him too. I am usually pretty quick to defend what I believe, or at least say there is a God. When I start thinking about it though, it's hard for me to grasp the concept with a clear understanding. There is a God? How did He get here? Is it possible for something to just BE there? Did the stories in the Bible just come as a way to explain things? Or did God facilitate the Scriptures?
Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he!"
My head is full of these doubtful questions. I realize though, that it is the work of the enemy.
Because I doubt, and actually allow these questions to be mulled over in my mind, does that mean I don't really believe He exists? Satan tries to separate us from God, and I can reluctantly say that he's got a good hold of me right now. He is filling my mind and my thoughts with doubting questions and I spend more time doubting what is true, than reading the Truth. I fail miserably at reading the Bible. There is some kind of barrier that I reach every time I want to reach for it and actually read from it. I've tried in the past to do daily devotions and sometimes I've been successful. That fire I experience fades and I'll go months without picking it up. MONTHS! How is that facilitating a healthy relationship with Christ? How can I sit here and say that I am a true follower if I can't even TRY to have a relationship with Him? I'm living a lie.
I go to church, I try to pray and talk to God. The truth is, I want to build a relationship. I play the "good little Christian" card and try not to curse, drink, and try to stray away from sexual impurities. All that is though, is an act. I don't do those things because I believe they are wrong. But WHY are they wrong? Because society says so? On the outside I'm walking the line I'm supposed to as a person who follows Christ. Any outsider would hopefully agree with that. However, on the inside... well, it's a whole other story. A battle is raging. One I'm not sure how it will end.
The sad part is, I'm so quick to judge others who claim to be a Christian and yet refuse to try and follow the lifestyle. Then I'm reminded of this passage:
Matthew 7:1-5 -- Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?' You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
It's human nature to point the finger at someone. Relinquish all blame on oneself and pass it off on someone else. Taking responsibility for ones actions is not the desired thing to do. We, as Christians, need to learn to stop being hypocrites. While I understand that it is easier said than done, and we will struggle with this concept, it is something we should strive to do. Be open with each other about our sins and struggles. Have someone there who will make you accountable. Worry about yourself. It's easy to notice the flaws in others, and I do it rather well. I need to be more honest with myself and my flaws. I need people to point these out for me with truth and love. We are supposed to hold each other accountable.
Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."
Back to what I mentioned before. I am a pretender. Searching to find a true relationship in Christ and needing strong, tough love to get there. I want to be vulnerable with my peers and behave the way my heart believes. I want my actions and my thoughts to match. I want to love what is considered the "least of these" because God calls us to do so.
Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
I'm tired of living life on a pedestal. I'm ready to break through my laziness and these barriers Satan as set up around me. I want to have Christ's eyes and love and serve the people around me. I want to stop judging people and being annoyed with people I don't feel like deserve my time. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and he does not pick favorites.
I just pray that I can eventually mirror on the inside what everyone says I am on the outside. I'm ready to stop pretending.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Little Insight
For those of you who don't know me well, this post will explain a little more about me. A little insight into the struggles and hardships, but also the successes I've gained along the way. These might explain why I currently struggle with things and will help anyone understand my life a little better. It's hard to exclude the good things that occur in one's life because often they come out of something bad. Everyone experiences a painful period in their life. I doubt one person could deny that fact. At the end of the tunnel, something good arose. Something that you might not have ever considered possible. It also might not have been possible, had you never suffered in the first place. Everything is connected. Everything happens for a reason.
Sidenote: This blog will be really long. So if you've known me for a long time, you don't have to force yourself to read it ;)
The first 14 years of my life were great. My family was awesome and I had some of what I'd consider decent friends. Living outside city limits with a very small amount of kids my age, limited the ability to hang out with a lot of children. It worked out though. I ran outside like a crazy child and didn't stay locked up in my house playing video games like children in today's society do. It was fun. There is one relationship that stands out the most during these early years, and for those of you who've known me since I was 14 will know and understand why. I was a daddy's girl. 100%.
Me and my father had a relationship that surpassed all others. Every Friday night was Pizza Night in my house. Dad came home, bringing pizza. Papa Johns was the preferable choice but the occasional Dominoes or Linney's (a local restaurant) pizza would find it's way on my plate. My family would gather around the table, eating our delectable pizza and enjoy each others company. When dinner finished, the real fun for me began. Dad and I would go hang out. Typically we went bowling, just the 2 of us. Every once in a while, we'd invite Erin (my best friend at the time) and her dad to join. I loved those nights.
Looking back now, I know I wasn't always jumping up and down to go bowling but I always ended up doing something with him. If it was warm, we'd go out to Starway Family Fun Park, a little rinky dink place that had go karts and putt putt. I've always loved a good game of putt putt and I blame my dad for that. Even when we went on vacations together, we tried to putt putt every night if we could find enough places to do it. The truth is, I enjoyed hanging out with my dad. We loved going out to eat at restaurants together, especially Linney's and the Pub. Everyone at both places knew my name and what I liked. Usually I didn't even have to order, they'd just bring it to me. My dad was well respected in our community and well known. This allowed me to walk into regular stores and have people know my name and face. Often times they'd give me small, free stuff. To a kid, that was always the best part of going into stores.
In return for my constant companionship, I was deemed daddy's favorite. Now, I understand that parents are not supposed to claim a favorite if there are more than one present. No parent can deny that there is one child they tend to relate with more, or just find they can talk to each other easier. There is no harm in that, but I would highly disagree with anyone shouting they had a favorite kid. My father, however, did not always adhere to these rules. While we did not walk through Walmart and he would make an announcement over the PA that I was his favorite, but it was no secret. I was his little girl and he loved to be with me. Normally I would never assume I was someone's favorite, because I've been wrong once or twice in my life ;), but multiple people have come up to me and told me how much he talked about me. How he would make comments that I was his favorite, or they would make the assumption themselves. Regardless, my father and I were connected in a way my brother and dad were not. It worked out okay though, because my brother and my mom tended to be more connected than I was with my mom. It might have been a strange system, but it worked for us.
Summer of 2003, July 4th.
My life collapsed.
My dad bought a motorcycle the day before. Was he going through a midlife crisis? I'm not sure. He never struck me as the motorcycle kind of guy, but I guess I was wrong. There are many things about that day that I remember most, and I can replay it like a movie in my head. Anger singed my veins. Dad was ignoring me, to play with his stupid new toy. I was trying out for soccer that year for high school and I wanted to practice with him in the backyard. It was common for us to play sports with each other, so what made that day so different? He was busy showing off his new bike to the neighbors. So I sat on the side of the driveway, soccer ball in my lap, pissed. And then he drove away.
Sometime later that afternoon, we were visited by some good family friends, the Bakers (Milly-the mom, Thomas - brandon's friend, and Kehla - my friend). Except this time they weren't so happy when they showed up at our house. They were crying, with solemn expressions. I remember being really confused when I opened the door to see their faces. The first thing the came into my mind was Tom. Had he died? What happened to him? I had no idea what was going on. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't show up on MY front porch to tell us something had happened to THEM. All I could do was think about something awful happening to Tom. I reached up and hugged my friend, Kehla. Then I heard Mom start screaming and stomping in the background. "No, No NO!"
Confusion swept across my mind. Why was mom freaking out? And then I heard it. Nothing had happened to Tom. It was my dad.
He was dead.
It's easy to say that life from that point on has been difficult to say the least. My friends didn't understand and didn't know how to be there for me. I was a basket case. I cried and yelled all the time. No one was there for me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one knew how to be my friend. For that, I was punished through high school socially, and almost committed suicide. But I didn't, obviously. I can understand though. Why would someone want to always have a crazy girl around? She cries every 2 seconds over nothing, and is overly dramatic. Gets pissed off about nothing. No one wanted to deal with that. I watched as my little group of friends went on trips together, asked each other to dances, etc and I was not ever invited to one. For that, I considered myself a floater. I hung out with a variety of people, never truly identifying with anyone.
I did have a base to come back to though. After my dad died, I left the Catholic church and found refuge in Capital City. The youth group, and specially the youth minister: Mike, became my safe haven. In that, I found my base of friends. The group evolved during high school, and I can still say I never found my best friend in that experience. I still felt very excluded and so I never went on spring breaks with any of my friends, or did I go to many dances for that reason. There was nothing I could do about it.
People forgot and stopped recognizing that my dad had died by the time I had graduated. Then I decided to make a new life for myself. I went to Western, where none of my core group of friends went. They all stuck together and basically went to UK, for the most part. Life changed. I found new friends, and finally knew what having a best friend meant. I absolutely loved college and was making a name for myself and could start fresh. I was no longer the girl who freaked out over everything. People actually called me to hang out and wanted to do things with me. It was refreshing.
God provided an opportunity to fall in love. Twice. Okay, so i know you are currently thinking of boys, but that was far from the truth. I finally acknowledged two huge passions I had: sign language and traveling. I started taking sign language with my best friend at Western (it happened by chance). We practiced all the time and grew to love it. I would be walking to and from class, fingerspelling anything I could think of. My skills grew. We excelled.
I also was presented with the opportunity to study abroad in England. It was the best 4 months of my life. I got to travel to various countries and make amazing new friends. I honestly could not have imagined a better time in my life at all. I grew more independent. From that, I learned I had a huge love of traveling. I don't like sitting at home for months and months, or years, without going to some place new or exotic. While I was in England, I was presented with information on an American Sign Language interpreting program that was at EKU. Once I heard about it, I knew I was going to transfer. Sign language was amazing and I wanted my life to revolve around it.
Transferring to a new school where I know NO ONE was terrifying. I was having to leave the first set of true friends I'd ever had, and that made me nervous. But God was pulling me towards Sign language. He knew where I needed to be even if it scared me. God is not without his surprises though. He provided the best person for me. Kristi Hamm :) I was able to meet her over the summer and we became fast friends. I'd never made a best friend so quick in my life. We clicked and connected over our love for sign language and the Deaf community. So, I not only had a friend going into EKU (and for the exact same program as me) but I had my absolute Best friend. God provided again by my acceptance into the program, therefore making my transfer to EKU not a waste.
Life has improved since my dad died. I can honestly say that if my dad hadn't died, my life would be drastically different. I probably would have never gone to Western, England, transferred to Eastern, met Kristi, or known anything about sign language. I wanted to be a CPA like him, and I probably would have just followed in his footsteps. So despite the fact that I would love to have my dad here with me, something good happened through his death. I can relate to people who have lost a parent at an early age. I understand life is short and won't work out the way you expect. I do what I can, when I can, because who knows if I'll have a second chance. I do what I love.
Which leads me to my current dilemma. I have the opportunity to go to England again for my internship next year. Those of you who know me, know how much I love England and Europe in general. If I went, I'd have to go by myself because I don't think my friend will be able to come with me. It will be approximately $6000. I won't get to graduate on time. I can walk with all my friends in May, but I'd have to finish my internship over the summer, and get my diploma in August. Even with all the negatives of going to a foreign country alone, and having to pay a lot, and not graduating on time.... I think I'm going to do it. Who knows when I'll have the chance to see England again? I'm young, and not tied down to anything here, so why not? God has a plan for me, and I need to learn how to trust him even though it scares me to death.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So here is a long blog... that gives you some information about my life.
If you read all of it, kudos to you for being brave enough to sit through this small book of my life :)
i will continue to make posts, hopefully daily, of my devotions with God and seeking guidance from my peers. I won't post them to facebook everyday, but if you are interested, whenever they are posted to facebook, you can scroll through the other ones if you'd like.
I really appreciate the love and support I get from everyone. I love you :)
Sidenote: This blog will be really long. So if you've known me for a long time, you don't have to force yourself to read it ;)
The first 14 years of my life were great. My family was awesome and I had some of what I'd consider decent friends. Living outside city limits with a very small amount of kids my age, limited the ability to hang out with a lot of children. It worked out though. I ran outside like a crazy child and didn't stay locked up in my house playing video games like children in today's society do. It was fun. There is one relationship that stands out the most during these early years, and for those of you who've known me since I was 14 will know and understand why. I was a daddy's girl. 100%.
Me and my father had a relationship that surpassed all others. Every Friday night was Pizza Night in my house. Dad came home, bringing pizza. Papa Johns was the preferable choice but the occasional Dominoes or Linney's (a local restaurant) pizza would find it's way on my plate. My family would gather around the table, eating our delectable pizza and enjoy each others company. When dinner finished, the real fun for me began. Dad and I would go hang out. Typically we went bowling, just the 2 of us. Every once in a while, we'd invite Erin (my best friend at the time) and her dad to join. I loved those nights.
Looking back now, I know I wasn't always jumping up and down to go bowling but I always ended up doing something with him. If it was warm, we'd go out to Starway Family Fun Park, a little rinky dink place that had go karts and putt putt. I've always loved a good game of putt putt and I blame my dad for that. Even when we went on vacations together, we tried to putt putt every night if we could find enough places to do it. The truth is, I enjoyed hanging out with my dad. We loved going out to eat at restaurants together, especially Linney's and the Pub. Everyone at both places knew my name and what I liked. Usually I didn't even have to order, they'd just bring it to me. My dad was well respected in our community and well known. This allowed me to walk into regular stores and have people know my name and face. Often times they'd give me small, free stuff. To a kid, that was always the best part of going into stores.
In return for my constant companionship, I was deemed daddy's favorite. Now, I understand that parents are not supposed to claim a favorite if there are more than one present. No parent can deny that there is one child they tend to relate with more, or just find they can talk to each other easier. There is no harm in that, but I would highly disagree with anyone shouting they had a favorite kid. My father, however, did not always adhere to these rules. While we did not walk through Walmart and he would make an announcement over the PA that I was his favorite, but it was no secret. I was his little girl and he loved to be with me. Normally I would never assume I was someone's favorite, because I've been wrong once or twice in my life ;), but multiple people have come up to me and told me how much he talked about me. How he would make comments that I was his favorite, or they would make the assumption themselves. Regardless, my father and I were connected in a way my brother and dad were not. It worked out okay though, because my brother and my mom tended to be more connected than I was with my mom. It might have been a strange system, but it worked for us.
Summer of 2003, July 4th.
My life collapsed.
My dad bought a motorcycle the day before. Was he going through a midlife crisis? I'm not sure. He never struck me as the motorcycle kind of guy, but I guess I was wrong. There are many things about that day that I remember most, and I can replay it like a movie in my head. Anger singed my veins. Dad was ignoring me, to play with his stupid new toy. I was trying out for soccer that year for high school and I wanted to practice with him in the backyard. It was common for us to play sports with each other, so what made that day so different? He was busy showing off his new bike to the neighbors. So I sat on the side of the driveway, soccer ball in my lap, pissed. And then he drove away.
Sometime later that afternoon, we were visited by some good family friends, the Bakers (Milly-the mom, Thomas - brandon's friend, and Kehla - my friend). Except this time they weren't so happy when they showed up at our house. They were crying, with solemn expressions. I remember being really confused when I opened the door to see their faces. The first thing the came into my mind was Tom. Had he died? What happened to him? I had no idea what was going on. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't show up on MY front porch to tell us something had happened to THEM. All I could do was think about something awful happening to Tom. I reached up and hugged my friend, Kehla. Then I heard Mom start screaming and stomping in the background. "No, No NO!"
Confusion swept across my mind. Why was mom freaking out? And then I heard it. Nothing had happened to Tom. It was my dad.
He was dead.
It's easy to say that life from that point on has been difficult to say the least. My friends didn't understand and didn't know how to be there for me. I was a basket case. I cried and yelled all the time. No one was there for me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one knew how to be my friend. For that, I was punished through high school socially, and almost committed suicide. But I didn't, obviously. I can understand though. Why would someone want to always have a crazy girl around? She cries every 2 seconds over nothing, and is overly dramatic. Gets pissed off about nothing. No one wanted to deal with that. I watched as my little group of friends went on trips together, asked each other to dances, etc and I was not ever invited to one. For that, I considered myself a floater. I hung out with a variety of people, never truly identifying with anyone.
I did have a base to come back to though. After my dad died, I left the Catholic church and found refuge in Capital City. The youth group, and specially the youth minister: Mike, became my safe haven. In that, I found my base of friends. The group evolved during high school, and I can still say I never found my best friend in that experience. I still felt very excluded and so I never went on spring breaks with any of my friends, or did I go to many dances for that reason. There was nothing I could do about it.
People forgot and stopped recognizing that my dad had died by the time I had graduated. Then I decided to make a new life for myself. I went to Western, where none of my core group of friends went. They all stuck together and basically went to UK, for the most part. Life changed. I found new friends, and finally knew what having a best friend meant. I absolutely loved college and was making a name for myself and could start fresh. I was no longer the girl who freaked out over everything. People actually called me to hang out and wanted to do things with me. It was refreshing.
God provided an opportunity to fall in love. Twice. Okay, so i know you are currently thinking of boys, but that was far from the truth. I finally acknowledged two huge passions I had: sign language and traveling. I started taking sign language with my best friend at Western (it happened by chance). We practiced all the time and grew to love it. I would be walking to and from class, fingerspelling anything I could think of. My skills grew. We excelled.
I also was presented with the opportunity to study abroad in England. It was the best 4 months of my life. I got to travel to various countries and make amazing new friends. I honestly could not have imagined a better time in my life at all. I grew more independent. From that, I learned I had a huge love of traveling. I don't like sitting at home for months and months, or years, without going to some place new or exotic. While I was in England, I was presented with information on an American Sign Language interpreting program that was at EKU. Once I heard about it, I knew I was going to transfer. Sign language was amazing and I wanted my life to revolve around it.
Transferring to a new school where I know NO ONE was terrifying. I was having to leave the first set of true friends I'd ever had, and that made me nervous. But God was pulling me towards Sign language. He knew where I needed to be even if it scared me. God is not without his surprises though. He provided the best person for me. Kristi Hamm :) I was able to meet her over the summer and we became fast friends. I'd never made a best friend so quick in my life. We clicked and connected over our love for sign language and the Deaf community. So, I not only had a friend going into EKU (and for the exact same program as me) but I had my absolute Best friend. God provided again by my acceptance into the program, therefore making my transfer to EKU not a waste.
Life has improved since my dad died. I can honestly say that if my dad hadn't died, my life would be drastically different. I probably would have never gone to Western, England, transferred to Eastern, met Kristi, or known anything about sign language. I wanted to be a CPA like him, and I probably would have just followed in his footsteps. So despite the fact that I would love to have my dad here with me, something good happened through his death. I can relate to people who have lost a parent at an early age. I understand life is short and won't work out the way you expect. I do what I can, when I can, because who knows if I'll have a second chance. I do what I love.
Which leads me to my current dilemma. I have the opportunity to go to England again for my internship next year. Those of you who know me, know how much I love England and Europe in general. If I went, I'd have to go by myself because I don't think my friend will be able to come with me. It will be approximately $6000. I won't get to graduate on time. I can walk with all my friends in May, but I'd have to finish my internship over the summer, and get my diploma in August. Even with all the negatives of going to a foreign country alone, and having to pay a lot, and not graduating on time.... I think I'm going to do it. Who knows when I'll have the chance to see England again? I'm young, and not tied down to anything here, so why not? God has a plan for me, and I need to learn how to trust him even though it scares me to death.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So here is a long blog... that gives you some information about my life.
If you read all of it, kudos to you for being brave enough to sit through this small book of my life :)
i will continue to make posts, hopefully daily, of my devotions with God and seeking guidance from my peers. I won't post them to facebook everyday, but if you are interested, whenever they are posted to facebook, you can scroll through the other ones if you'd like.
I really appreciate the love and support I get from everyone. I love you :)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Raw & Vulnerable
Living a life worthy of the "Christian" title is one to aspire to, but it is nothing easy to achieve. I've noticed over the years that being a Christian -- or having the label anyway-- is a popular thing in today's society. Actually living the life, on the other hand, is nothing everyone is jumping up and down to do. This is where I fall: a lukewarm Christian. I hate it. God doesn't really accept a lukewarm Christian either:
'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16
Be something! Don't just be in the middle, where you understand the life you're supposed to live and believe in Christ, but refuse or are too lazy to do anything about it. Life is not about you or me. It's about serving Christ and loving others. Too often people forget that Christ died for us. I know I have a hard time grasping the fact that he physically was tortured and humiliated for me. It sounds like a great story when you read about it and hear it being preached in church.... But can I honestly sit and say that the meaning that comes with Christ's death and resurrection has really resonated with me? It's hard to believe in things that are hard to understand. The fact that Jesus walked the earth 2000 years ago and conquered death for me... well it's hard to wrap my head around it. To experience that kind of love... I just don't know. It's hard for that to sink in. Being let down continuously by family, friends, and peers leads one to believe that true love doesn't really exist anymore. It's a little disheartening...
I say all that to say this... I'm a struggling lukewarm Christian.
On a journey..
to fall in love..
with the one and only: Jesus Christ.
I have been smooth sailing through life for far too long and I have been called to a more Christ-like life for a while now. I need to be raw and vulnerable to God, and the only way I can do that, is to be open about my journey to finding true love with Him. I need to be raw and vulnerable to my peers and be held accountable. That led to my decision to blog. I need support, and advice from people to help me stay strong and responsible. We were never meant to go through this journey alone.
'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16
Be something! Don't just be in the middle, where you understand the life you're supposed to live and believe in Christ, but refuse or are too lazy to do anything about it. Life is not about you or me. It's about serving Christ and loving others. Too often people forget that Christ died for us. I know I have a hard time grasping the fact that he physically was tortured and humiliated for me. It sounds like a great story when you read about it and hear it being preached in church.... But can I honestly sit and say that the meaning that comes with Christ's death and resurrection has really resonated with me? It's hard to believe in things that are hard to understand. The fact that Jesus walked the earth 2000 years ago and conquered death for me... well it's hard to wrap my head around it. To experience that kind of love... I just don't know. It's hard for that to sink in. Being let down continuously by family, friends, and peers leads one to believe that true love doesn't really exist anymore. It's a little disheartening...
I say all that to say this... I'm a struggling lukewarm Christian.
On a journey..
to fall in love..
with the one and only: Jesus Christ.
I have been smooth sailing through life for far too long and I have been called to a more Christ-like life for a while now. I need to be raw and vulnerable to God, and the only way I can do that, is to be open about my journey to finding true love with Him. I need to be raw and vulnerable to my peers and be held accountable. That led to my decision to blog. I need support, and advice from people to help me stay strong and responsible. We were never meant to go through this journey alone.
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