Pretender

Pretending.
We all do it.
You may say you don't.
But you're lying.

Let me explain. I am a pretender. I love the Lord on the outside but on the inside, I come up short. I am the best actress I know. People tell me that I'm such a great, Christian girl and that I have everything together. They never really worry about me getting into a lot of trouble because I have a servant's heart. That just proves to me that I put on a pretty great show.

The truth is, the things I preach and tell myself are true don't always reach the heart of me. I believe in God, but I doubt him too. I am usually pretty quick to defend what I believe, or at least say there is a God. When I start thinking about it though, it's hard for me to grasp the concept with a clear understanding. There is a God? How did He get here? Is it possible for something to just BE there? Did the stories in the Bible just come as a way to explain things? Or did God facilitate the Scriptures?

Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he!"

My head is full of these doubtful questions. I realize though, that it is the work of the enemy.

Because I doubt, and actually allow these questions to be mulled over in my mind, does that mean I don't really believe He exists? Satan tries to separate us from God, and I can reluctantly say that he's got a good hold of me right now. He is filling my mind and my thoughts with doubting questions and I spend more time doubting what is true, than reading the Truth. I fail miserably at reading the Bible. There is some kind of barrier that I reach every time I want to reach for it and actually read from it. I've tried in the past to do daily devotions and sometimes I've been successful. That fire I experience fades and I'll go months without picking it up. MONTHS! How is that facilitating a healthy relationship with Christ? How can I sit here and say that I am a true follower if I can't even TRY to have a relationship with Him? I'm living a lie.

I go to church, I try to pray and talk to God. The truth is, I want to build a relationship. I play the "good little Christian" card and try not to curse, drink, and try to stray away from sexual impurities. All that is though, is an act. I don't do those things because I believe they are wrong. But WHY are they wrong? Because society says so? On the outside I'm walking the line I'm supposed to as a person who follows Christ. Any outsider would hopefully agree with that. However, on the inside... well, it's a whole other story. A battle is raging. One I'm not sure how it will end.

The sad part is, I'm so quick to judge others who claim to be a Christian and yet refuse to try and follow the lifestyle. Then I'm reminded of this passage:

Matthew 7:1-5 -- Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?' You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

It's human nature to point the finger at someone. Relinquish all blame on oneself and pass it off on someone else. Taking responsibility for ones actions is not the desired thing to do. We, as Christians, need to learn to stop being hypocrites. While I understand that it is easier said than done, and we will struggle with this concept, it is something we should strive to do. Be open with each other about our sins and struggles. Have someone there who will make you accountable. Worry about yourself. It's easy to notice the flaws in others, and I do it rather well. I need to be more honest with myself and my flaws. I need people to point these out for me with truth and love. We are supposed to hold each other accountable.

Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."

Back to what I mentioned before. I am a pretender. Searching to find a true relationship in Christ and needing strong, tough love to get there. I want to be vulnerable with my peers and behave the way my heart believes. I want my actions and my thoughts to match. I want to love what is considered the "least of these" because God calls us to do so.

Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I'm tired of living life on a pedestal. I'm ready to break through my laziness and these barriers Satan as set up around me. I want to have Christ's eyes and love and serve the people around me. I want to stop judging people and being annoyed with people I don't feel like deserve my time. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and he does not pick favorites.

I just pray that I can eventually mirror on the inside what everyone says I am on the outside. I'm ready to stop pretending.