Well, the title pretty much sums up how I felt today.
Over the past week, I've really been going through an internal battle. One that has been spurred by Satan. One of doubt and distrust. Everything that God has provided for me, I've begun to doubt. The plan I'm currently on, clearly God made a mistake. I can't do anything right. I've been failing countless times.
I'm concerned I've picked the wrong major because I'm failing miserably in my classes. I can't seem to fully comprehend what I'm doing and I can't actually interpret the message I'm being presented so I'm frustrated. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this after all? I'm also surrounded by a ton of my friends getting engaged to these wonderful guys...guys who are on fire for the Lord and they are so happy. and Yet, I'm here single. Don't get me wrong, being single isn't so bad, but it doesn't hide the fact that I wish I had that guy that God had picked out for me. Nothing I do is good enough or right it seems.
What am I doing wrong???
I had a minor break down today. My mom had called to complain about something I didn't do (that I actually did). I have homework due for a class I utterly despise and don't understand. I've felt somewhat rejected by someone today, and accused of things. All in all, not the best day to say the least. Something snapped and I just cried. For what exactly? I'm not even sure I could tell you, because I don't even know myself. An overwhelming sense of me being "no good" just came over me. I was a big disappointment to everyone. Like I couldn't do anything right. So, I threw myself a small little pity party and listened to what became my theme song. Here are the lyrics:
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Pathetic right? To make that a theme song?
Well, I'll answer that for you: yes.
Don't you ever just sit there and feel like your life is utter crap and God has abandoned you? That He is allowing all this crap to just compile into your life and make you feel worthless? don't you ever just sit (or at least want to sit) and have a pity party?
I have a hard time believing in God fully when I'm not happy. When life is getting the best of me, the focus shifts entirely to myself and what I have done wrong. How this could possibly happen to me?? So in the middle of my pity party, where I was crying and listening to this unhelpful song, I decided to read a short devotion. God spoke to me. I picked one at random and it was entitled "Will God really come Through?"
Talk about a coincidence. (Yeah right, God had me pick that one for a reason)
I read it and instantly my mood changed. Even though God feels so distant from me...like he isn't helping to fulfill my heart's desires... He IS there. Though I may not see him working in the way that I feel he should be working - He is still there, fighting for me, and paving a road for me. All the other stuff doesn't matter, even if I feel like it's overwhelming my life. Frustrations that have been barring down on me don't really matter. It really isn't even worth the trouble to yell, scream, or cry about.
Francesca Battistelli sings it perfectly in her song:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
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