What do you mean I'm not lovable 100% of the time?
I think I am pretty angelic all the time and it's easy for people to love me.
Except for maybe that one time 5 years ago when I yelled at my friend.
Or that one time last year when I whined about having to do my job.
I guess when I said some pretty mean things about Joe Schmoo last month wasn't my finest moment either...
Or last week when I was snappy with everyone for no reason...
Or today when I interrupted someone to tell them they were doing something wrong..
Okay, I guess I'm not always lovable.
Maybe by human standards it is hard to continue loving people unconditionally. Unconditional love is pretty hard to come by these days. A parent loves their child unconditionally (we hope). For relationships other than parent-child relationships...is that quite as common? Probably not.
We are humans. Therefore we are greedy. We look out for ourselves and tend to focus on few other than "me." I am definitely at fault in this area. Though I have my friends and I want to help them in any way I can, there is still a small bit of greed that affects my decisions to help them. If I do this...then Mary will like me more. If I help John with this...then maybe he'll call me to hang out more with his friend group. And so on and so forth. My motivations are not purely out of service towards other people. My heart is not pure in that way.
I find it sad, too. But my point comes back to the "unlovables."
Loving people isn't so hard when they love you in return. And Yet, Christ calls us to love ALL people, especially those that persecute us.
Matthew 5:43-48
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? ...
Luke 6:27
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
Christ was the ultimate example to us in how He treated others. Should we not try and incorporate that into our own lives? We want to love and serve just like Christ did. We cannot pick and choose which area of life we want to mimic Christ. We need to devote our whole lives to him. That includes loving people who maybe don't even deserve our love.
That's one part of following Christ that I struggle with daily. There are some people that really try my patience and disrespect me. Naturally, I don't want to be friendly or nice to them anymore. I have to remember that I'm also not always so fun to be around. I insult people by accident or can be disrespectful, but people still love me regardless. God is the only one who will never leave me when I mess up and completely screw everything up. He loves me no matter what. I really want to take the love that he has given me and give it to others.
I have a teacher right now that is very disrespectful to not just me, but my friends as well. It takes everything I have not to want to throw them out of a window. Sometimes I can't even focus on the information being presented in class because I'm so focused on how Jesus loves me and I need to return that same love to this teacher. It's hard. It's hard to not gossip about them and tear them down when they're not around.
The only way I can make it through that class is knowing that Jesus loves me and because of that love, I can love others.
1 John 4:8
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
I love God! So therefore, I will love YOU...although...I may struggle with it at times, just give me some patience and I'll love you like you deserve :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Alone and Helpless
Well, the title pretty much sums up how I felt today.
Over the past week, I've really been going through an internal battle. One that has been spurred by Satan. One of doubt and distrust. Everything that God has provided for me, I've begun to doubt. The plan I'm currently on, clearly God made a mistake. I can't do anything right. I've been failing countless times.
I'm concerned I've picked the wrong major because I'm failing miserably in my classes. I can't seem to fully comprehend what I'm doing and I can't actually interpret the message I'm being presented so I'm frustrated. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this after all? I'm also surrounded by a ton of my friends getting engaged to these wonderful guys...guys who are on fire for the Lord and they are so happy. and Yet, I'm here single. Don't get me wrong, being single isn't so bad, but it doesn't hide the fact that I wish I had that guy that God had picked out for me. Nothing I do is good enough or right it seems.
What am I doing wrong???
I had a minor break down today. My mom had called to complain about something I didn't do (that I actually did). I have homework due for a class I utterly despise and don't understand. I've felt somewhat rejected by someone today, and accused of things. All in all, not the best day to say the least. Something snapped and I just cried. For what exactly? I'm not even sure I could tell you, because I don't even know myself. An overwhelming sense of me being "no good" just came over me. I was a big disappointment to everyone. Like I couldn't do anything right. So, I threw myself a small little pity party and listened to what became my theme song. Here are the lyrics:
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Pathetic right? To make that a theme song?
Well, I'll answer that for you: yes.
Don't you ever just sit there and feel like your life is utter crap and God has abandoned you? That He is allowing all this crap to just compile into your life and make you feel worthless? don't you ever just sit (or at least want to sit) and have a pity party?
I have a hard time believing in God fully when I'm not happy. When life is getting the best of me, the focus shifts entirely to myself and what I have done wrong. How this could possibly happen to me?? So in the middle of my pity party, where I was crying and listening to this unhelpful song, I decided to read a short devotion. God spoke to me. I picked one at random and it was entitled "Will God really come Through?"
Talk about a coincidence. (Yeah right, God had me pick that one for a reason)
I read it and instantly my mood changed. Even though God feels so distant from me...like he isn't helping to fulfill my heart's desires... He IS there. Though I may not see him working in the way that I feel he should be working - He is still there, fighting for me, and paving a road for me. All the other stuff doesn't matter, even if I feel like it's overwhelming my life. Frustrations that have been barring down on me don't really matter. It really isn't even worth the trouble to yell, scream, or cry about.
Francesca Battistelli sings it perfectly in her song:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Over the past week, I've really been going through an internal battle. One that has been spurred by Satan. One of doubt and distrust. Everything that God has provided for me, I've begun to doubt. The plan I'm currently on, clearly God made a mistake. I can't do anything right. I've been failing countless times.
I'm concerned I've picked the wrong major because I'm failing miserably in my classes. I can't seem to fully comprehend what I'm doing and I can't actually interpret the message I'm being presented so I'm frustrated. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this after all? I'm also surrounded by a ton of my friends getting engaged to these wonderful guys...guys who are on fire for the Lord and they are so happy. and Yet, I'm here single. Don't get me wrong, being single isn't so bad, but it doesn't hide the fact that I wish I had that guy that God had picked out for me. Nothing I do is good enough or right it seems.
What am I doing wrong???
I had a minor break down today. My mom had called to complain about something I didn't do (that I actually did). I have homework due for a class I utterly despise and don't understand. I've felt somewhat rejected by someone today, and accused of things. All in all, not the best day to say the least. Something snapped and I just cried. For what exactly? I'm not even sure I could tell you, because I don't even know myself. An overwhelming sense of me being "no good" just came over me. I was a big disappointment to everyone. Like I couldn't do anything right. So, I threw myself a small little pity party and listened to what became my theme song. Here are the lyrics:
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Pathetic right? To make that a theme song?
Well, I'll answer that for you: yes.
Don't you ever just sit there and feel like your life is utter crap and God has abandoned you? That He is allowing all this crap to just compile into your life and make you feel worthless? don't you ever just sit (or at least want to sit) and have a pity party?
I have a hard time believing in God fully when I'm not happy. When life is getting the best of me, the focus shifts entirely to myself and what I have done wrong. How this could possibly happen to me?? So in the middle of my pity party, where I was crying and listening to this unhelpful song, I decided to read a short devotion. God spoke to me. I picked one at random and it was entitled "Will God really come Through?"
Talk about a coincidence. (Yeah right, God had me pick that one for a reason)
I read it and instantly my mood changed. Even though God feels so distant from me...like he isn't helping to fulfill my heart's desires... He IS there. Though I may not see him working in the way that I feel he should be working - He is still there, fighting for me, and paving a road for me. All the other stuff doesn't matter, even if I feel like it's overwhelming my life. Frustrations that have been barring down on me don't really matter. It really isn't even worth the trouble to yell, scream, or cry about.
Francesca Battistelli sings it perfectly in her song:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Beastly
I recently went and watched the movie "Beastly". -- it is basically a modern day Beauty and the Beast story. Beautiful girl. Ugly guy. True love happens.
Lets focus on the guy: Kyle. He is obsessed with appearances. Makes fun of people who are considered ugly. Beauty meant everything to him. Then it all changes for him, when he has a curse put on him that makes his outward appearance mimic that of his inward self. It wasn't pretty. He had scars, gashes, lumps, and markings all over his body. People were shocked at his appearance and he was locked away to remain out of public site.
What if that happened to me? What if my physically appearance mimicked that of my actually personality and who I really am? How many scars would I have across my face? What kind of markings would be etched across my skin? I worry that I'd be ugly. Truly ugly.
Confession: Growing up I struggled with the way I looked. I've always had weight problems and I was never the prettiest girl. I always took the backseat and watched as my gorgeous friends could wear bikinis and short shorts while all the guys craved to date them. I never got to enjoy any of those luxuries. Instead I wore over sized clothes and tried to act like a tomboy. I was insecure, to say the least. Appearance meant so much to me, probably because I never looked the way i wanted. Before I even hit Middle School I was curious how to lose weight and look prettier. As I got older, I tried diet after diet, and different hairstyles. Doctors told me I was overweight. Mom always encouraged me to exercise and eat right. The first time I remember her saying "I'm proud" is when I lost weight after going on a weight loss program through UK. I don't blame mom...she understood what it was like to be "big boned" and overweight. I tried so many things....
It never worked.
For some reason I have always been surrounded by beautiful people. Guys and girls. Friends I've made in college and brought back home have often time asked me, "What is in the water to breed such beautiful people" and I just smile. I watched as almost every single guy I liked, end up liking and dating one of my good friends. Almost every single one.
So I became obsessed with appearance. I surrounded myself with people who were pretty and were deemed the "cool people" although, I never really fit that description. I was never the first person anyone called to do anything with. More like the last. I accepted it... even though I hated it. If people acted or looked funny, I wouldn't give them the time of day because I didn't want people to think I was associated with them. I wanted to spend my time with the popular people. I coveted the looks and bodies of half my high school. I poked fun if someone looked strange or just weren't very cute. Why? Because I was insecure and hated how I looked.
I even see myself doing that now, sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I've grown to accept who i am little by little everyday and I've made some pretty large improvements. God made me the way I am for a reason. I don't have the body of a runway model. I actually have to workout 6000 times a day and eat only a piece of lettuce to lose only .5 a pound. But you know what? I am beautiful. Because GOD made me. And he only makes beautiful things. I was not a mistake, and like I said before, he made me special. So don't get me wrong...it would be really great to look the way I want but that isn't who God made. And, on top of that...God doesn't care what I look like on the outside. It only matters what my heart shows.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Timothy 4:8
Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.
So, if God focuses on my heart...what does it look like? As I said before, I'm scared it looks ugly. My motives seem to be unpure in most things. I am selfish and self conscious - but very self unaware. I worry about myself, but don't really realize what that comes across as.
Challenge: Stop looking at the outward things. Know a person as who they are, now what they look like. I want to be like Lindy, the girl in the movie. She saw past all the ugliness. She got to know the person. As the end credits rolled, I realized that's what I want. I want to see who people are, to take time to peel back the layers to find out the person Christ sees...not what I see. and lastly, to love myself a little more. Guys might look at me more if I were super skinny, but who cares? God has the perfect person for me and we will see each other for who we are, and nothing more or less. Bodies change overtime. Beauty fades. My heart and soul will be here long after my body changes and those are the only 2 things that matter.
--On a small side note. There was a song sung at church today that has really hit my heart. I feel like it is talking about me - and i'm sure many others will relate. So go to this link, and check it out. It is highly worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVScvSBsm40
I love you all. God loves you more than I ever could. Never forget he's on your side :)
Lets focus on the guy: Kyle. He is obsessed with appearances. Makes fun of people who are considered ugly. Beauty meant everything to him. Then it all changes for him, when he has a curse put on him that makes his outward appearance mimic that of his inward self. It wasn't pretty. He had scars, gashes, lumps, and markings all over his body. People were shocked at his appearance and he was locked away to remain out of public site.
What if that happened to me? What if my physically appearance mimicked that of my actually personality and who I really am? How many scars would I have across my face? What kind of markings would be etched across my skin? I worry that I'd be ugly. Truly ugly.
Confession: Growing up I struggled with the way I looked. I've always had weight problems and I was never the prettiest girl. I always took the backseat and watched as my gorgeous friends could wear bikinis and short shorts while all the guys craved to date them. I never got to enjoy any of those luxuries. Instead I wore over sized clothes and tried to act like a tomboy. I was insecure, to say the least. Appearance meant so much to me, probably because I never looked the way i wanted. Before I even hit Middle School I was curious how to lose weight and look prettier. As I got older, I tried diet after diet, and different hairstyles. Doctors told me I was overweight. Mom always encouraged me to exercise and eat right. The first time I remember her saying "I'm proud" is when I lost weight after going on a weight loss program through UK. I don't blame mom...she understood what it was like to be "big boned" and overweight. I tried so many things....
It never worked.
For some reason I have always been surrounded by beautiful people. Guys and girls. Friends I've made in college and brought back home have often time asked me, "What is in the water to breed such beautiful people" and I just smile. I watched as almost every single guy I liked, end up liking and dating one of my good friends. Almost every single one.
So I became obsessed with appearance. I surrounded myself with people who were pretty and were deemed the "cool people" although, I never really fit that description. I was never the first person anyone called to do anything with. More like the last. I accepted it... even though I hated it. If people acted or looked funny, I wouldn't give them the time of day because I didn't want people to think I was associated with them. I wanted to spend my time with the popular people. I coveted the looks and bodies of half my high school. I poked fun if someone looked strange or just weren't very cute. Why? Because I was insecure and hated how I looked.
I even see myself doing that now, sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I've grown to accept who i am little by little everyday and I've made some pretty large improvements. God made me the way I am for a reason. I don't have the body of a runway model. I actually have to workout 6000 times a day and eat only a piece of lettuce to lose only .5 a pound. But you know what? I am beautiful. Because GOD made me. And he only makes beautiful things. I was not a mistake, and like I said before, he made me special. So don't get me wrong...it would be really great to look the way I want but that isn't who God made. And, on top of that...God doesn't care what I look like on the outside. It only matters what my heart shows.
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Timothy 4:8
Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is much more important, for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.
So, if God focuses on my heart...what does it look like? As I said before, I'm scared it looks ugly. My motives seem to be unpure in most things. I am selfish and self conscious - but very self unaware. I worry about myself, but don't really realize what that comes across as.
Challenge: Stop looking at the outward things. Know a person as who they are, now what they look like. I want to be like Lindy, the girl in the movie. She saw past all the ugliness. She got to know the person. As the end credits rolled, I realized that's what I want. I want to see who people are, to take time to peel back the layers to find out the person Christ sees...not what I see. and lastly, to love myself a little more. Guys might look at me more if I were super skinny, but who cares? God has the perfect person for me and we will see each other for who we are, and nothing more or less. Bodies change overtime. Beauty fades. My heart and soul will be here long after my body changes and those are the only 2 things that matter.
--On a small side note. There was a song sung at church today that has really hit my heart. I feel like it is talking about me - and i'm sure many others will relate. So go to this link, and check it out. It is highly worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVScvSBsm40
I love you all. God loves you more than I ever could. Never forget he's on your side :)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Father
Losing a dad at such a young age really made me feel abandoned. It wasn't just losing my best friend that really made it so awful. Me and my mom had a terrible relationship through high school. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I wanted to move out and almost did. I wanted to commit suicide, and I almost did.
Clearly I didn't do anything drastic like I wanted. There was something that always held me back. Something bigger, telling me "no, that isn't want you need to do." I listened.
The truth is, though, I felt extremely abandoned and unwanted throughout a majority of my high school experience. My family was falling apart and I couldn't really relate to any of them. Me and my brother didn't see eye to eye, and the relationship me and my mother shared...well...lets just say it wasn't peaceful. The mixture of me being a teenage girl, and the fact that I had just lost my dad really escalated the problems. Sometimes I just wanted a new family. I wanted to go to a family where I didn't have to deal with all the problems. I wanted to go to a family that still had a dad, who loved me with everything in him.
It wasn't until later that I learned I still had a daddy. I still do. I have one that is jealous for me, loves me, and wants the very best for me. I am his little girl and he is protective of me. Lucky for me, he's everywhere. He never leaves me to do my battles alone. He is my shoulder to cry on and never judges me. He's the best father in the whole wide world.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1 NIV).
God is my father. And I am his child. He made me special, with a specific purpose in mind. I am NOT random. I was not mass produced. I was special ordered. --- That really makes me feel better about my situation. I've officially been 1/3 of my life without my dad already. It's crazy to think that I'm getting closer and closer to the 8 year mark of his death.
I also know I'm not the only one who has experienced the trauma of losing a parent at such a young age. For you who understand, I just encourage you to acknowledge your other dad. The one who thought about you, and knew about you well before your biological (or adopted) father ever did. The one who spoke your name into existence. He is always there for you and he will never leave you behind. He loves you. Just like I know he loves me. Have peace in the fact that you will ALWAYS be someone's baby girl or baby boy.
Jeremiah 1:4-5 : The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'
Ephesians 1:5 - God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
John 14:27 (NIV) “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CRAZY LOVE
My reading in Crazy Love actually matched up perfectly with the above portion. It discussed our heavenly Father and how he loves us unconditionally. Here, on Earth, we haven't all experienced the greatest relationships with our parents. Some have experienced abuse and hardships. Others have been luckier to experience love. Regardless of the Earthly father we think about when we hear the word "dad" -- we have an even better one in Heaven.
And the best part... he is jealous for us.
“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God” -- Exodus 20:4-5
He wants our attention! Puny little humans. And he wants to spend time with us. It's amazing, isn't it? That the God of his universe is invested in our lives.
The sad part is, we have this Father who we desperately need, and yet we hardly ever want. We ignore Him most hours of the day. He wants to build this amazing bond with us and give us everything, and yet... we only give him a small thought. We might force ourselves to pray or read the Bible because it's the "right" thing to do. When in all reality, God just wants his children to love him and turn to him.
So my challenge is to start giving God the time of day. To look at him as the father figure he has always been. To love him and get excited to spend time with him like I did with my own Earthly dad. I challenge you to do the same. Even if you didn't have a great relationship with your dad--or a relationship at all--turn to God to finally be that dad you've always wanted and needed. He's the only one who will never truly let you down.
Clearly I didn't do anything drastic like I wanted. There was something that always held me back. Something bigger, telling me "no, that isn't want you need to do." I listened.
The truth is, though, I felt extremely abandoned and unwanted throughout a majority of my high school experience. My family was falling apart and I couldn't really relate to any of them. Me and my brother didn't see eye to eye, and the relationship me and my mother shared...well...lets just say it wasn't peaceful. The mixture of me being a teenage girl, and the fact that I had just lost my dad really escalated the problems. Sometimes I just wanted a new family. I wanted to go to a family where I didn't have to deal with all the problems. I wanted to go to a family that still had a dad, who loved me with everything in him.
It wasn't until later that I learned I still had a daddy. I still do. I have one that is jealous for me, loves me, and wants the very best for me. I am his little girl and he is protective of me. Lucky for me, he's everywhere. He never leaves me to do my battles alone. He is my shoulder to cry on and never judges me. He's the best father in the whole wide world.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1 NIV).
God is my father. And I am his child. He made me special, with a specific purpose in mind. I am NOT random. I was not mass produced. I was special ordered. --- That really makes me feel better about my situation. I've officially been 1/3 of my life without my dad already. It's crazy to think that I'm getting closer and closer to the 8 year mark of his death.
I also know I'm not the only one who has experienced the trauma of losing a parent at such a young age. For you who understand, I just encourage you to acknowledge your other dad. The one who thought about you, and knew about you well before your biological (or adopted) father ever did. The one who spoke your name into existence. He is always there for you and he will never leave you behind. He loves you. Just like I know he loves me. Have peace in the fact that you will ALWAYS be someone's baby girl or baby boy.
Jeremiah 1:4-5 : The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'
Ephesians 1:5 - God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
John 14:27 (NIV) “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CRAZY LOVE
My reading in Crazy Love actually matched up perfectly with the above portion. It discussed our heavenly Father and how he loves us unconditionally. Here, on Earth, we haven't all experienced the greatest relationships with our parents. Some have experienced abuse and hardships. Others have been luckier to experience love. Regardless of the Earthly father we think about when we hear the word "dad" -- we have an even better one in Heaven.
And the best part... he is jealous for us.
“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God” -- Exodus 20:4-5
He wants our attention! Puny little humans. And he wants to spend time with us. It's amazing, isn't it? That the God of his universe is invested in our lives.
The sad part is, we have this Father who we desperately need, and yet we hardly ever want. We ignore Him most hours of the day. He wants to build this amazing bond with us and give us everything, and yet... we only give him a small thought. We might force ourselves to pray or read the Bible because it's the "right" thing to do. When in all reality, God just wants his children to love him and turn to him.
So my challenge is to start giving God the time of day. To look at him as the father figure he has always been. To love him and get excited to spend time with him like I did with my own Earthly dad. I challenge you to do the same. Even if you didn't have a great relationship with your dad--or a relationship at all--turn to God to finally be that dad you've always wanted and needed. He's the only one who will never truly let you down.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Just Stop and Think... Just not about Failure.
Failure: lack of success; the omission of expected or required.
That is the dictionary definition of the word. Being a failure...well, isn't anything anyone aspires to be. Although, many of us feel we meet the requirements to be a failure. I know I do sometimes. The truth is, we are going to fail. There is no way around it. We are humans, and that is what humans do. We fail. The great thing about it though, is we don't have to give up. God will help us through our failures. It just gives us another way to get back up, and try something new. Attempt a new approach. The outcome could quite possibly come out better than before.
"At least there is hope for a tree. If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail" (Job 14:7, NIV).
There is something encouraging about being the child of the God of this universe. Wanna know why? Because he has a plan. He has plan for you. He has a plan for me. He even has a plan for the guy who is homeless, with no where to go.
Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (NIV).
God will provide for us. He will provide if we follow and trust in Him. He won't leave us stranded to deal with our own failures. He is there with us, every step of the way. Instead of cursing and becoming frustrated with God, wondering how he could let such failures happen in his life, try a different approach. Try looking for the positives. What could be a good result of this failure? Keep in mind, if you fail, you are in good company.
~ Beethoven's music teacher once told him that he was a hopeless composer.
· Abraham Lincoln campaigned for a seat in the Illinois General Assembly and failed. He then opened a general store which failed after only a few months.
· Walt Disney was fired by the editor of a newspaper for lacking creativity.
· The Ford Motor Company was Henry Ford's third business. The first two didn't work out.
· A teacher told Thomas Edison that he was too stupid to learn anything.
· Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.
Each of these people have gone down in history--not for their failures--but for their successes. They are considered great for one reason or another. Just because you have failed in one thing, doesn't mean you won't succeed later, or maybe in another area. I know for me, I am awful at math, but I succeed in Sign Language. The truth is, I recognize that God did not give me great skills in everything this life has to offer. For the most part, I am okay with that.
Exodus 20:17, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor,"
Don't covet what someone else has. You have your very own plan designed by God himself and it's better than what you think. If everyone was great at everything, then how could you have the opportunity to serve and help others? I think it would limit that. We would no longer have skilled athletes and young athletes look up to. We wouldn't need to give out the Nobel Prize anymore, or awards in general. Everyone would be just as good, and there wouldn't be a higher standard to achieve. I say all that to say this, (even though I struggle with it at times) accept your strengths and your weaknesses; your failures and successes. They happen for a reason! God would not leave you stranded to go through this life alone! He has that great plan already set out for you, and so if you fail at something, just remember, there is something else God has in store for you, and your first attempt wasn't it.
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for (Jer. 29:11, GNT).
If you are struggling with failures or not getting what you expect, bring it to God in prayer. He wants to hear from you and know how you are doing (even though he knows it already).
Philippians 4:6-7 tells us:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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So, this blog is set up in 2 sections. The first part is my actual devotion for the day. The second is what I've been reading or learned about in the book Crazy Love. By the way, if you haven't read that book, i HIGHLY encourage you to do so. It's a great book, and I'm only one chapter in. If we are friends on facebook, I highly encourage you to look at the video I posted today (3/2/11). It's called Just Stop and Think. It is a 15 minute video that is truly phenomenal. So, this last portion will be about my thoughts on that video.
First of all, Francis Chan has a remarkable way to putting things into perspective for me. It helped me to realize that I need to just stop what I'm doing and actually think about where I am. It's crazy to think that the world exists in a pretty harmonious state. How when the sun begins to set, it can leave the most amazing colors in the sky. The major contrasts in color from the green blades of grass, to the hundreds of different blues found in the ocean, to the assortments in colors of the flowers. How the world is the perfect distance away from our sun, to allow life to form and live. I mean, those are just a fraction of the amazing things God has done for us. Chan says to even think about our bodies. The human body is magnificent! It is truly awesome in how everyone works together and how complex it is. Think about it. Think about everything natural in this world and how it works with its surroundings. How beautiful and majestic everything is. And to think... people think this all formed by accident? There's no way.
The Bible says you can't experience life and see everything here and not know that there is a God. it says we don't have an excuse in not knowing God is here. He is everywhere! In anything and everything we see, He is there. How can you NOT see it?
A lot of people look at Christians and notice all their rules. What they aren't allowed to do: curse, sexual impurities, drugs, drinking, etc. Those tend to be the most popular forbidden items that people see. The truth is--and i am a firm believer of this--that God gives us these laws for a reason. Think about the commandments: Thou Shalt Not Kill, and others just like it. Do you think God gave us these commands to hinder our ability to experience life? Of course not! Life would be better if we didn't run around killing everyone. That isn't our purpose here. The same goes for the other commandments, too. They are here so that we can experience the most out of life.
Here's an analogy I heard once that put it into perspective for me:
Imagine some deer. We give them a huge chunk of land, everything they will ever want or need. All the food, water, etc is provided. However, there is a boundary on where they can go, and it's on the edge of the forest. Once they past the boundary, they are in harms way and are no longer safe. Well, the deer enjoy their piece of paradise until they get too curious and want to know whats beyond the forest line, so they decide to cross it into the "forbidden areas." Well, past those boundaries is a road. The deer didn't know that cars were dangerous or how they could hurt them, and were killed.
Although the example can be a little childish, I think it hits the major points. God gives us rules for a reason. He wants us to live a great, enjoyable life. He knows the harmful things found in the world and wants to protect us from them. These rules are not a hindrance from enjoying life. They are helpful in enjoying the right kinds of things, and the things God provided for us.
That is just a SMALL snippet of information found on Francis Chan's video. So watch it! It will enlighten your aspect on life in so many ways that I can't.
Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRi4VwcrYmA
Just remember: God loves you. He has a plan for you. Don't be discouraged by your failures, it just means there is something greater out there, but it isn't your time yet for it. God has the perfect timing. I, personally, am happy to remember that God loves me and his plans are better than my own. Mine tend to fail or don't get me the happiness I think I'll achieve. So from now on, I need to learn to trust his ways and his timing. It will be far superior to my plans any day.
Until my next post...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Look At Me, Look At What I'm Doing!!
Sacrificing is a difficult task. Living in a materialistic world, where one only worries about himself, can be a hard thing to overcome and actually sacrifice. I know I struggle with this concept everyday. God calls us to sacrifice. He also calls us to give. Although, he calls us to give sacrificially. When I first heard this concept, I heard it from my Youth Minister several years ago and it really didn't make any sense to me. God won't want my money unless it's actually sacrificing or it hurts me financially?? I was confused. Clearly I didn't comprehend the meaning. As I've gotten older though, I have interpreted it differently than I did as a kid. Of course, everyone may have their own interpretation, but I'm going to share mine.
First of all, I want to start with a verse:
"Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny" (Mark 12:41-42, NIV).
When you look at this verse, what comes to your mind? Do you think the people who threw in the large amounts are any better in God's eyes than the poor widow who only gave a few coins? Does the amount matter? To God, no. It really doesn't matter how much money you give. Quantity over Quality. No! It's Quality over Quantity. God saw that the poor widow gave everything she had, and therefore the amount she gave held greater value. Not value as in the $$ value, but value as in importance. It was all she had left. She didn't know how she would feed herself after giving to God the last of her money, but she had faith God would provide. She sacrificed. For that, God blessed her richly.
Now we turn to those who gave large amounts. It is my assumption that people who announce or show off that they are giving that much money, don't care about the purpose of the gift. They want recognition. God doesn't care about man wanting recognition. In fact, the Bible says not to announce your gifts, and keep it secret.
Matthew 6:2-4
2 Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 3 But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.
Don't go around telling people what you did. Be discrete. The only person that really matters is God. God is just and fair. He will reward you when the time comes. Earthly praise is nothing compared to a heavenly one.
After reading about this today, I realized two things: I struggle with recognition and I also struggle with sacrifice.
If I do something great, I like to be rewarded. I like to hear that ego boosting phrase, "I'm proud of you." I want people to know what I've done and why I did it. The truth is, once I start doing that, it takes away from the real meaning behind the act. I want to be more Christ-like and love and serve others like Christ did. Christ is the only one who can give me a reward that won't fade with time or eventually be forgotten. But I focus on the world and the people in it. I focus on that fleeting feeling of making someone proud. I focus on myself and how it makes me feel. Then it starts to become less about doing charitable, or nice acts, and more about what I can get out of doing them for someone. How can it benefit me?
Then I'm reminded of:
Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God- not by works so that no one can boast . For we are Gods workmanship, created in Jesus Christ to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do
Then it moves into sacrificing. I struggle with finding the line. When do I start sacrificing? Do I literally give up everything I own? Do I only give up some? How will I know what to sacrifice?? and of course, there are many more questions that go into that topic. If it doesn't benefit me, it's hard for me to want to do it. If I don't like the person, I definitely don't want to do it. So how do I know when to sacrifice?
I think the main issue here is myself. I get in the way. The "I" needs to be taken out of the equation altogether. Whatever comments I receive from friends or peers, will always be forgotten soon after. If I ever got a tangible reward for something, it would break or become worthless after so long. Nothing really matters. Learning how to be more Christ-like will help resolve the issue. Focusing on those letters, that I learned about as a kid: WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? Many people make fun of the WWJD stuff nowadays, but I'm not sure why. Shouldn't that always be a concern or a thought as we go through each day? Isn't that the first thing that should come to our minds as we face difficult issues? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it is. Jesus can help us in any walk of life. Remember: he's done this before.
So, my challenge for myself is to stop being so selfish. Stop worrying about the attention I'd get from other people, and learn how to sacrifice for Christ. Though it won't be easy, and I don't think there is a clear cut answer for how much to sacrifice (other than the fact that you need to give up your life for Christ--but I really am talking about how much time, money, etc etc). Everyone is different and God has a plan for everyone. It isn't always the same.
Through prayer, God will make known the sacrifices I need to make. I have faith in that.
So, I pray that you all will learn the sacrifices God wants you to make in your life. That you can give to those in need, and give back to God without the worldly attention we are so desperate for. Remember: God's rewards are the only ones that last. His are the only ones that truly matter.
Love you all =)
First of all, I want to start with a verse:
"Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny" (Mark 12:41-42, NIV).
When you look at this verse, what comes to your mind? Do you think the people who threw in the large amounts are any better in God's eyes than the poor widow who only gave a few coins? Does the amount matter? To God, no. It really doesn't matter how much money you give. Quantity over Quality. No! It's Quality over Quantity. God saw that the poor widow gave everything she had, and therefore the amount she gave held greater value. Not value as in the $$ value, but value as in importance. It was all she had left. She didn't know how she would feed herself after giving to God the last of her money, but she had faith God would provide. She sacrificed. For that, God blessed her richly.
Now we turn to those who gave large amounts. It is my assumption that people who announce or show off that they are giving that much money, don't care about the purpose of the gift. They want recognition. God doesn't care about man wanting recognition. In fact, the Bible says not to announce your gifts, and keep it secret.
Matthew 6:2-4
2 Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 3 But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.
Don't go around telling people what you did. Be discrete. The only person that really matters is God. God is just and fair. He will reward you when the time comes. Earthly praise is nothing compared to a heavenly one.
After reading about this today, I realized two things: I struggle with recognition and I also struggle with sacrifice.
If I do something great, I like to be rewarded. I like to hear that ego boosting phrase, "I'm proud of you." I want people to know what I've done and why I did it. The truth is, once I start doing that, it takes away from the real meaning behind the act. I want to be more Christ-like and love and serve others like Christ did. Christ is the only one who can give me a reward that won't fade with time or eventually be forgotten. But I focus on the world and the people in it. I focus on that fleeting feeling of making someone proud. I focus on myself and how it makes me feel. Then it starts to become less about doing charitable, or nice acts, and more about what I can get out of doing them for someone. How can it benefit me?
Then I'm reminded of:
Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift from God- not by works so that no one can boast . For we are Gods workmanship, created in Jesus Christ to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do
Then it moves into sacrificing. I struggle with finding the line. When do I start sacrificing? Do I literally give up everything I own? Do I only give up some? How will I know what to sacrifice?? and of course, there are many more questions that go into that topic. If it doesn't benefit me, it's hard for me to want to do it. If I don't like the person, I definitely don't want to do it. So how do I know when to sacrifice?
I think the main issue here is myself. I get in the way. The "I" needs to be taken out of the equation altogether. Whatever comments I receive from friends or peers, will always be forgotten soon after. If I ever got a tangible reward for something, it would break or become worthless after so long. Nothing really matters. Learning how to be more Christ-like will help resolve the issue. Focusing on those letters, that I learned about as a kid: WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? Many people make fun of the WWJD stuff nowadays, but I'm not sure why. Shouldn't that always be a concern or a thought as we go through each day? Isn't that the first thing that should come to our minds as we face difficult issues? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it is. Jesus can help us in any walk of life. Remember: he's done this before.
So, my challenge for myself is to stop being so selfish. Stop worrying about the attention I'd get from other people, and learn how to sacrifice for Christ. Though it won't be easy, and I don't think there is a clear cut answer for how much to sacrifice (other than the fact that you need to give up your life for Christ--but I really am talking about how much time, money, etc etc). Everyone is different and God has a plan for everyone. It isn't always the same.
Through prayer, God will make known the sacrifices I need to make. I have faith in that.
So, I pray that you all will learn the sacrifices God wants you to make in your life. That you can give to those in need, and give back to God without the worldly attention we are so desperate for. Remember: God's rewards are the only ones that last. His are the only ones that truly matter.
Love you all =)
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Aromas We Omit
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him; for we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life" (2 Corinthians 2:14-16a, NIV).
We give off smells. Of course, I'm speaking figuratively. Even though, there is a person or two out there that are the real deal, haha, and everyone has someone that comes to mind. However, that isn't want this post is about. =)
The truth is, we give off smells. These smells could be harmful and gross, or delightful and enticing. Our attitudes and how we treat people will determine what kind of aroma we are omitting. As children of God, we need to be a continuation of Christ. We need to be radiating from God, and channeling his attitude and love towards others. The stench we leave is like the damage we leave behind.
Think about it. If you smell awful, it's probably because you've been rolling around in something dirty, or you just haven't bathed in a while. You haven't been taking care of yourself. Everywhere you go, you omit some sort of horrid smell. People are affected by these smells and become automatically disgusted as you walk by. That smell, in a small essence, is a direct result of you. You stink. You spread your stinkiness. People suffer because of it. This can be parallel to your attitude as a person. If you are rude, offensive, or ignore others, what kind of smell do you think people are picking up? Something sweet and intriguing? Probably not. They will be turned off by you.
This isn't just a metaphor used to represent negative behaviors. It can be used to mimic positive, Christ-like behaviors as well. If you are showing love to others, and respecting each other, the chances are people will be more drawn to you. If you encourage and support your fellow peers and are always there to listen and never judge, do you think people are going to be turned off by you? No! It's like finding your favorite smelling perfume/cologne, or a beautiful flower and has a beautiful scent. You are drawn to these things, and often times you can't get enough of them. You take deep breaths and close your eyes as your nose is filled with the amazing fragrance, and it feels up your lungs. You want to soak in it forever.
Imagine if we were the aroma of Christ. Christ was already perfect, he already led the way and showed us how to live. What if we were the left behind scent, though? The living and breathing result of his life. Think of how many more people would be drawn to us if we showed everyone a radical love and undying encouragement? I am aware that one smell does not appeal to all, and some will find it disgusting, but God understood that: "...To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life"
Confession: I stink.
No, I don't mean physically, but spiritually. I gossip. I speak ill of others. If you annoy me, my face tends to show it. I am short with people. I don't always show people the kindness and love they deserve. I know I don't show it to people who don't deserve it. So I stink. I am not the aroma of Christ, although I am quick to claim that I am.
I had never really read that verse, at the top of the blog, and understood it until today. I never paid much attention to it. Now, I understand that attaching the Christ Follower label to my life, should mean I'm omitting something different than the rest of the world. I should be a direct result of Christ, and how I act should represent that.
Based on how people act today, the world is pretty rancid.
Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all the true aroma of Christ?
I doubt I could get enough of it. =)
We give off smells. Of course, I'm speaking figuratively. Even though, there is a person or two out there that are the real deal, haha, and everyone has someone that comes to mind. However, that isn't want this post is about. =)
The truth is, we give off smells. These smells could be harmful and gross, or delightful and enticing. Our attitudes and how we treat people will determine what kind of aroma we are omitting. As children of God, we need to be a continuation of Christ. We need to be radiating from God, and channeling his attitude and love towards others. The stench we leave is like the damage we leave behind.
Think about it. If you smell awful, it's probably because you've been rolling around in something dirty, or you just haven't bathed in a while. You haven't been taking care of yourself. Everywhere you go, you omit some sort of horrid smell. People are affected by these smells and become automatically disgusted as you walk by. That smell, in a small essence, is a direct result of you. You stink. You spread your stinkiness. People suffer because of it. This can be parallel to your attitude as a person. If you are rude, offensive, or ignore others, what kind of smell do you think people are picking up? Something sweet and intriguing? Probably not. They will be turned off by you.
This isn't just a metaphor used to represent negative behaviors. It can be used to mimic positive, Christ-like behaviors as well. If you are showing love to others, and respecting each other, the chances are people will be more drawn to you. If you encourage and support your fellow peers and are always there to listen and never judge, do you think people are going to be turned off by you? No! It's like finding your favorite smelling perfume/cologne, or a beautiful flower and has a beautiful scent. You are drawn to these things, and often times you can't get enough of them. You take deep breaths and close your eyes as your nose is filled with the amazing fragrance, and it feels up your lungs. You want to soak in it forever.
Imagine if we were the aroma of Christ. Christ was already perfect, he already led the way and showed us how to live. What if we were the left behind scent, though? The living and breathing result of his life. Think of how many more people would be drawn to us if we showed everyone a radical love and undying encouragement? I am aware that one smell does not appeal to all, and some will find it disgusting, but God understood that: "...To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life"
Confession: I stink.
No, I don't mean physically, but spiritually. I gossip. I speak ill of others. If you annoy me, my face tends to show it. I am short with people. I don't always show people the kindness and love they deserve. I know I don't show it to people who don't deserve it. So I stink. I am not the aroma of Christ, although I am quick to claim that I am.
I had never really read that verse, at the top of the blog, and understood it until today. I never paid much attention to it. Now, I understand that attaching the Christ Follower label to my life, should mean I'm omitting something different than the rest of the world. I should be a direct result of Christ, and how I act should represent that.
Based on how people act today, the world is pretty rancid.
Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all the true aroma of Christ?
I doubt I could get enough of it. =)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Pretender
Pretending.
We all do it.
You may say you don't.
But you're lying.
Let me explain. I am a pretender. I love the Lord on the outside but on the inside, I come up short. I am the best actress I know. People tell me that I'm such a great, Christian girl and that I have everything together. They never really worry about me getting into a lot of trouble because I have a servant's heart. That just proves to me that I put on a pretty great show.
The truth is, the things I preach and tell myself are true don't always reach the heart of me. I believe in God, but I doubt him too. I am usually pretty quick to defend what I believe, or at least say there is a God. When I start thinking about it though, it's hard for me to grasp the concept with a clear understanding. There is a God? How did He get here? Is it possible for something to just BE there? Did the stories in the Bible just come as a way to explain things? Or did God facilitate the Scriptures?
Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he!"
My head is full of these doubtful questions. I realize though, that it is the work of the enemy.
Because I doubt, and actually allow these questions to be mulled over in my mind, does that mean I don't really believe He exists? Satan tries to separate us from God, and I can reluctantly say that he's got a good hold of me right now. He is filling my mind and my thoughts with doubting questions and I spend more time doubting what is true, than reading the Truth. I fail miserably at reading the Bible. There is some kind of barrier that I reach every time I want to reach for it and actually read from it. I've tried in the past to do daily devotions and sometimes I've been successful. That fire I experience fades and I'll go months without picking it up. MONTHS! How is that facilitating a healthy relationship with Christ? How can I sit here and say that I am a true follower if I can't even TRY to have a relationship with Him? I'm living a lie.
I go to church, I try to pray and talk to God. The truth is, I want to build a relationship. I play the "good little Christian" card and try not to curse, drink, and try to stray away from sexual impurities. All that is though, is an act. I don't do those things because I believe they are wrong. But WHY are they wrong? Because society says so? On the outside I'm walking the line I'm supposed to as a person who follows Christ. Any outsider would hopefully agree with that. However, on the inside... well, it's a whole other story. A battle is raging. One I'm not sure how it will end.
The sad part is, I'm so quick to judge others who claim to be a Christian and yet refuse to try and follow the lifestyle. Then I'm reminded of this passage:
Matthew 7:1-5 -- Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?' You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
It's human nature to point the finger at someone. Relinquish all blame on oneself and pass it off on someone else. Taking responsibility for ones actions is not the desired thing to do. We, as Christians, need to learn to stop being hypocrites. While I understand that it is easier said than done, and we will struggle with this concept, it is something we should strive to do. Be open with each other about our sins and struggles. Have someone there who will make you accountable. Worry about yourself. It's easy to notice the flaws in others, and I do it rather well. I need to be more honest with myself and my flaws. I need people to point these out for me with truth and love. We are supposed to hold each other accountable.
Back to what I mentioned before. I am a pretender. Searching to find a true relationship in Christ and needing strong, tough love to get there. I want to be vulnerable with my peers and behave the way my heart believes. I want my actions and my thoughts to match. I want to love what is considered the "least of these" because God calls us to do so.
Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
I'm tired of living life on a pedestal. I'm ready to break through my laziness and these barriers Satan as set up around me. I want to have Christ's eyes and love and serve the people around me. I want to stop judging people and being annoyed with people I don't feel like deserve my time. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and he does not pick favorites.
I just pray that I can eventually mirror on the inside what everyone says I am on the outside. I'm ready to stop pretending.
We all do it.
You may say you don't.
But you're lying.
Let me explain. I am a pretender. I love the Lord on the outside but on the inside, I come up short. I am the best actress I know. People tell me that I'm such a great, Christian girl and that I have everything together. They never really worry about me getting into a lot of trouble because I have a servant's heart. That just proves to me that I put on a pretty great show.
The truth is, the things I preach and tell myself are true don't always reach the heart of me. I believe in God, but I doubt him too. I am usually pretty quick to defend what I believe, or at least say there is a God. When I start thinking about it though, it's hard for me to grasp the concept with a clear understanding. There is a God? How did He get here? Is it possible for something to just BE there? Did the stories in the Bible just come as a way to explain things? Or did God facilitate the Scriptures?
Proverbs 23:7 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he!"
My head is full of these doubtful questions. I realize though, that it is the work of the enemy.
Because I doubt, and actually allow these questions to be mulled over in my mind, does that mean I don't really believe He exists? Satan tries to separate us from God, and I can reluctantly say that he's got a good hold of me right now. He is filling my mind and my thoughts with doubting questions and I spend more time doubting what is true, than reading the Truth. I fail miserably at reading the Bible. There is some kind of barrier that I reach every time I want to reach for it and actually read from it. I've tried in the past to do daily devotions and sometimes I've been successful. That fire I experience fades and I'll go months without picking it up. MONTHS! How is that facilitating a healthy relationship with Christ? How can I sit here and say that I am a true follower if I can't even TRY to have a relationship with Him? I'm living a lie.
I go to church, I try to pray and talk to God. The truth is, I want to build a relationship. I play the "good little Christian" card and try not to curse, drink, and try to stray away from sexual impurities. All that is though, is an act. I don't do those things because I believe they are wrong. But WHY are they wrong? Because society says so? On the outside I'm walking the line I'm supposed to as a person who follows Christ. Any outsider would hopefully agree with that. However, on the inside... well, it's a whole other story. A battle is raging. One I'm not sure how it will end.
The sad part is, I'm so quick to judge others who claim to be a Christian and yet refuse to try and follow the lifestyle. Then I'm reminded of this passage:
Matthew 7:1-5 -- Do not judge or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?' You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
It's human nature to point the finger at someone. Relinquish all blame on oneself and pass it off on someone else. Taking responsibility for ones actions is not the desired thing to do. We, as Christians, need to learn to stop being hypocrites. While I understand that it is easier said than done, and we will struggle with this concept, it is something we should strive to do. Be open with each other about our sins and struggles. Have someone there who will make you accountable. Worry about yourself. It's easy to notice the flaws in others, and I do it rather well. I need to be more honest with myself and my flaws. I need people to point these out for me with truth and love. We are supposed to hold each other accountable.
Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor, for we are members of one another."
Back to what I mentioned before. I am a pretender. Searching to find a true relationship in Christ and needing strong, tough love to get there. I want to be vulnerable with my peers and behave the way my heart believes. I want my actions and my thoughts to match. I want to love what is considered the "least of these" because God calls us to do so.
Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
I'm tired of living life on a pedestal. I'm ready to break through my laziness and these barriers Satan as set up around me. I want to have Christ's eyes and love and serve the people around me. I want to stop judging people and being annoyed with people I don't feel like deserve my time. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and he does not pick favorites.
I just pray that I can eventually mirror on the inside what everyone says I am on the outside. I'm ready to stop pretending.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A Little Insight
For those of you who don't know me well, this post will explain a little more about me. A little insight into the struggles and hardships, but also the successes I've gained along the way. These might explain why I currently struggle with things and will help anyone understand my life a little better. It's hard to exclude the good things that occur in one's life because often they come out of something bad. Everyone experiences a painful period in their life. I doubt one person could deny that fact. At the end of the tunnel, something good arose. Something that you might not have ever considered possible. It also might not have been possible, had you never suffered in the first place. Everything is connected. Everything happens for a reason.
Sidenote: This blog will be really long. So if you've known me for a long time, you don't have to force yourself to read it ;)
The first 14 years of my life were great. My family was awesome and I had some of what I'd consider decent friends. Living outside city limits with a very small amount of kids my age, limited the ability to hang out with a lot of children. It worked out though. I ran outside like a crazy child and didn't stay locked up in my house playing video games like children in today's society do. It was fun. There is one relationship that stands out the most during these early years, and for those of you who've known me since I was 14 will know and understand why. I was a daddy's girl. 100%.
Me and my father had a relationship that surpassed all others. Every Friday night was Pizza Night in my house. Dad came home, bringing pizza. Papa Johns was the preferable choice but the occasional Dominoes or Linney's (a local restaurant) pizza would find it's way on my plate. My family would gather around the table, eating our delectable pizza and enjoy each others company. When dinner finished, the real fun for me began. Dad and I would go hang out. Typically we went bowling, just the 2 of us. Every once in a while, we'd invite Erin (my best friend at the time) and her dad to join. I loved those nights.
Looking back now, I know I wasn't always jumping up and down to go bowling but I always ended up doing something with him. If it was warm, we'd go out to Starway Family Fun Park, a little rinky dink place that had go karts and putt putt. I've always loved a good game of putt putt and I blame my dad for that. Even when we went on vacations together, we tried to putt putt every night if we could find enough places to do it. The truth is, I enjoyed hanging out with my dad. We loved going out to eat at restaurants together, especially Linney's and the Pub. Everyone at both places knew my name and what I liked. Usually I didn't even have to order, they'd just bring it to me. My dad was well respected in our community and well known. This allowed me to walk into regular stores and have people know my name and face. Often times they'd give me small, free stuff. To a kid, that was always the best part of going into stores.
In return for my constant companionship, I was deemed daddy's favorite. Now, I understand that parents are not supposed to claim a favorite if there are more than one present. No parent can deny that there is one child they tend to relate with more, or just find they can talk to each other easier. There is no harm in that, but I would highly disagree with anyone shouting they had a favorite kid. My father, however, did not always adhere to these rules. While we did not walk through Walmart and he would make an announcement over the PA that I was his favorite, but it was no secret. I was his little girl and he loved to be with me. Normally I would never assume I was someone's favorite, because I've been wrong once or twice in my life ;), but multiple people have come up to me and told me how much he talked about me. How he would make comments that I was his favorite, or they would make the assumption themselves. Regardless, my father and I were connected in a way my brother and dad were not. It worked out okay though, because my brother and my mom tended to be more connected than I was with my mom. It might have been a strange system, but it worked for us.
Summer of 2003, July 4th.
My life collapsed.
My dad bought a motorcycle the day before. Was he going through a midlife crisis? I'm not sure. He never struck me as the motorcycle kind of guy, but I guess I was wrong. There are many things about that day that I remember most, and I can replay it like a movie in my head. Anger singed my veins. Dad was ignoring me, to play with his stupid new toy. I was trying out for soccer that year for high school and I wanted to practice with him in the backyard. It was common for us to play sports with each other, so what made that day so different? He was busy showing off his new bike to the neighbors. So I sat on the side of the driveway, soccer ball in my lap, pissed. And then he drove away.
Sometime later that afternoon, we were visited by some good family friends, the Bakers (Milly-the mom, Thomas - brandon's friend, and Kehla - my friend). Except this time they weren't so happy when they showed up at our house. They were crying, with solemn expressions. I remember being really confused when I opened the door to see their faces. The first thing the came into my mind was Tom. Had he died? What happened to him? I had no idea what was going on. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't show up on MY front porch to tell us something had happened to THEM. All I could do was think about something awful happening to Tom. I reached up and hugged my friend, Kehla. Then I heard Mom start screaming and stomping in the background. "No, No NO!"
Confusion swept across my mind. Why was mom freaking out? And then I heard it. Nothing had happened to Tom. It was my dad.
He was dead.
It's easy to say that life from that point on has been difficult to say the least. My friends didn't understand and didn't know how to be there for me. I was a basket case. I cried and yelled all the time. No one was there for me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one knew how to be my friend. For that, I was punished through high school socially, and almost committed suicide. But I didn't, obviously. I can understand though. Why would someone want to always have a crazy girl around? She cries every 2 seconds over nothing, and is overly dramatic. Gets pissed off about nothing. No one wanted to deal with that. I watched as my little group of friends went on trips together, asked each other to dances, etc and I was not ever invited to one. For that, I considered myself a floater. I hung out with a variety of people, never truly identifying with anyone.
I did have a base to come back to though. After my dad died, I left the Catholic church and found refuge in Capital City. The youth group, and specially the youth minister: Mike, became my safe haven. In that, I found my base of friends. The group evolved during high school, and I can still say I never found my best friend in that experience. I still felt very excluded and so I never went on spring breaks with any of my friends, or did I go to many dances for that reason. There was nothing I could do about it.
People forgot and stopped recognizing that my dad had died by the time I had graduated. Then I decided to make a new life for myself. I went to Western, where none of my core group of friends went. They all stuck together and basically went to UK, for the most part. Life changed. I found new friends, and finally knew what having a best friend meant. I absolutely loved college and was making a name for myself and could start fresh. I was no longer the girl who freaked out over everything. People actually called me to hang out and wanted to do things with me. It was refreshing.
God provided an opportunity to fall in love. Twice. Okay, so i know you are currently thinking of boys, but that was far from the truth. I finally acknowledged two huge passions I had: sign language and traveling. I started taking sign language with my best friend at Western (it happened by chance). We practiced all the time and grew to love it. I would be walking to and from class, fingerspelling anything I could think of. My skills grew. We excelled.
I also was presented with the opportunity to study abroad in England. It was the best 4 months of my life. I got to travel to various countries and make amazing new friends. I honestly could not have imagined a better time in my life at all. I grew more independent. From that, I learned I had a huge love of traveling. I don't like sitting at home for months and months, or years, without going to some place new or exotic. While I was in England, I was presented with information on an American Sign Language interpreting program that was at EKU. Once I heard about it, I knew I was going to transfer. Sign language was amazing and I wanted my life to revolve around it.
Transferring to a new school where I know NO ONE was terrifying. I was having to leave the first set of true friends I'd ever had, and that made me nervous. But God was pulling me towards Sign language. He knew where I needed to be even if it scared me. God is not without his surprises though. He provided the best person for me. Kristi Hamm :) I was able to meet her over the summer and we became fast friends. I'd never made a best friend so quick in my life. We clicked and connected over our love for sign language and the Deaf community. So, I not only had a friend going into EKU (and for the exact same program as me) but I had my absolute Best friend. God provided again by my acceptance into the program, therefore making my transfer to EKU not a waste.
Life has improved since my dad died. I can honestly say that if my dad hadn't died, my life would be drastically different. I probably would have never gone to Western, England, transferred to Eastern, met Kristi, or known anything about sign language. I wanted to be a CPA like him, and I probably would have just followed in his footsteps. So despite the fact that I would love to have my dad here with me, something good happened through his death. I can relate to people who have lost a parent at an early age. I understand life is short and won't work out the way you expect. I do what I can, when I can, because who knows if I'll have a second chance. I do what I love.
Which leads me to my current dilemma. I have the opportunity to go to England again for my internship next year. Those of you who know me, know how much I love England and Europe in general. If I went, I'd have to go by myself because I don't think my friend will be able to come with me. It will be approximately $6000. I won't get to graduate on time. I can walk with all my friends in May, but I'd have to finish my internship over the summer, and get my diploma in August. Even with all the negatives of going to a foreign country alone, and having to pay a lot, and not graduating on time.... I think I'm going to do it. Who knows when I'll have the chance to see England again? I'm young, and not tied down to anything here, so why not? God has a plan for me, and I need to learn how to trust him even though it scares me to death.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So here is a long blog... that gives you some information about my life.
If you read all of it, kudos to you for being brave enough to sit through this small book of my life :)
i will continue to make posts, hopefully daily, of my devotions with God and seeking guidance from my peers. I won't post them to facebook everyday, but if you are interested, whenever they are posted to facebook, you can scroll through the other ones if you'd like.
I really appreciate the love and support I get from everyone. I love you :)
Sidenote: This blog will be really long. So if you've known me for a long time, you don't have to force yourself to read it ;)
The first 14 years of my life were great. My family was awesome and I had some of what I'd consider decent friends. Living outside city limits with a very small amount of kids my age, limited the ability to hang out with a lot of children. It worked out though. I ran outside like a crazy child and didn't stay locked up in my house playing video games like children in today's society do. It was fun. There is one relationship that stands out the most during these early years, and for those of you who've known me since I was 14 will know and understand why. I was a daddy's girl. 100%.
Me and my father had a relationship that surpassed all others. Every Friday night was Pizza Night in my house. Dad came home, bringing pizza. Papa Johns was the preferable choice but the occasional Dominoes or Linney's (a local restaurant) pizza would find it's way on my plate. My family would gather around the table, eating our delectable pizza and enjoy each others company. When dinner finished, the real fun for me began. Dad and I would go hang out. Typically we went bowling, just the 2 of us. Every once in a while, we'd invite Erin (my best friend at the time) and her dad to join. I loved those nights.
Looking back now, I know I wasn't always jumping up and down to go bowling but I always ended up doing something with him. If it was warm, we'd go out to Starway Family Fun Park, a little rinky dink place that had go karts and putt putt. I've always loved a good game of putt putt and I blame my dad for that. Even when we went on vacations together, we tried to putt putt every night if we could find enough places to do it. The truth is, I enjoyed hanging out with my dad. We loved going out to eat at restaurants together, especially Linney's and the Pub. Everyone at both places knew my name and what I liked. Usually I didn't even have to order, they'd just bring it to me. My dad was well respected in our community and well known. This allowed me to walk into regular stores and have people know my name and face. Often times they'd give me small, free stuff. To a kid, that was always the best part of going into stores.
In return for my constant companionship, I was deemed daddy's favorite. Now, I understand that parents are not supposed to claim a favorite if there are more than one present. No parent can deny that there is one child they tend to relate with more, or just find they can talk to each other easier. There is no harm in that, but I would highly disagree with anyone shouting they had a favorite kid. My father, however, did not always adhere to these rules. While we did not walk through Walmart and he would make an announcement over the PA that I was his favorite, but it was no secret. I was his little girl and he loved to be with me. Normally I would never assume I was someone's favorite, because I've been wrong once or twice in my life ;), but multiple people have come up to me and told me how much he talked about me. How he would make comments that I was his favorite, or they would make the assumption themselves. Regardless, my father and I were connected in a way my brother and dad were not. It worked out okay though, because my brother and my mom tended to be more connected than I was with my mom. It might have been a strange system, but it worked for us.
Summer of 2003, July 4th.
My life collapsed.
My dad bought a motorcycle the day before. Was he going through a midlife crisis? I'm not sure. He never struck me as the motorcycle kind of guy, but I guess I was wrong. There are many things about that day that I remember most, and I can replay it like a movie in my head. Anger singed my veins. Dad was ignoring me, to play with his stupid new toy. I was trying out for soccer that year for high school and I wanted to practice with him in the backyard. It was common for us to play sports with each other, so what made that day so different? He was busy showing off his new bike to the neighbors. So I sat on the side of the driveway, soccer ball in my lap, pissed. And then he drove away.
Sometime later that afternoon, we were visited by some good family friends, the Bakers (Milly-the mom, Thomas - brandon's friend, and Kehla - my friend). Except this time they weren't so happy when they showed up at our house. They were crying, with solemn expressions. I remember being really confused when I opened the door to see their faces. The first thing the came into my mind was Tom. Had he died? What happened to him? I had no idea what was going on. It didn't occur to me that they wouldn't show up on MY front porch to tell us something had happened to THEM. All I could do was think about something awful happening to Tom. I reached up and hugged my friend, Kehla. Then I heard Mom start screaming and stomping in the background. "No, No NO!"
Confusion swept across my mind. Why was mom freaking out? And then I heard it. Nothing had happened to Tom. It was my dad.
He was dead.
It's easy to say that life from that point on has been difficult to say the least. My friends didn't understand and didn't know how to be there for me. I was a basket case. I cried and yelled all the time. No one was there for me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one knew how to be my friend. For that, I was punished through high school socially, and almost committed suicide. But I didn't, obviously. I can understand though. Why would someone want to always have a crazy girl around? She cries every 2 seconds over nothing, and is overly dramatic. Gets pissed off about nothing. No one wanted to deal with that. I watched as my little group of friends went on trips together, asked each other to dances, etc and I was not ever invited to one. For that, I considered myself a floater. I hung out with a variety of people, never truly identifying with anyone.
I did have a base to come back to though. After my dad died, I left the Catholic church and found refuge in Capital City. The youth group, and specially the youth minister: Mike, became my safe haven. In that, I found my base of friends. The group evolved during high school, and I can still say I never found my best friend in that experience. I still felt very excluded and so I never went on spring breaks with any of my friends, or did I go to many dances for that reason. There was nothing I could do about it.
People forgot and stopped recognizing that my dad had died by the time I had graduated. Then I decided to make a new life for myself. I went to Western, where none of my core group of friends went. They all stuck together and basically went to UK, for the most part. Life changed. I found new friends, and finally knew what having a best friend meant. I absolutely loved college and was making a name for myself and could start fresh. I was no longer the girl who freaked out over everything. People actually called me to hang out and wanted to do things with me. It was refreshing.
God provided an opportunity to fall in love. Twice. Okay, so i know you are currently thinking of boys, but that was far from the truth. I finally acknowledged two huge passions I had: sign language and traveling. I started taking sign language with my best friend at Western (it happened by chance). We practiced all the time and grew to love it. I would be walking to and from class, fingerspelling anything I could think of. My skills grew. We excelled.
I also was presented with the opportunity to study abroad in England. It was the best 4 months of my life. I got to travel to various countries and make amazing new friends. I honestly could not have imagined a better time in my life at all. I grew more independent. From that, I learned I had a huge love of traveling. I don't like sitting at home for months and months, or years, without going to some place new or exotic. While I was in England, I was presented with information on an American Sign Language interpreting program that was at EKU. Once I heard about it, I knew I was going to transfer. Sign language was amazing and I wanted my life to revolve around it.
Transferring to a new school where I know NO ONE was terrifying. I was having to leave the first set of true friends I'd ever had, and that made me nervous. But God was pulling me towards Sign language. He knew where I needed to be even if it scared me. God is not without his surprises though. He provided the best person for me. Kristi Hamm :) I was able to meet her over the summer and we became fast friends. I'd never made a best friend so quick in my life. We clicked and connected over our love for sign language and the Deaf community. So, I not only had a friend going into EKU (and for the exact same program as me) but I had my absolute Best friend. God provided again by my acceptance into the program, therefore making my transfer to EKU not a waste.
Life has improved since my dad died. I can honestly say that if my dad hadn't died, my life would be drastically different. I probably would have never gone to Western, England, transferred to Eastern, met Kristi, or known anything about sign language. I wanted to be a CPA like him, and I probably would have just followed in his footsteps. So despite the fact that I would love to have my dad here with me, something good happened through his death. I can relate to people who have lost a parent at an early age. I understand life is short and won't work out the way you expect. I do what I can, when I can, because who knows if I'll have a second chance. I do what I love.
Which leads me to my current dilemma. I have the opportunity to go to England again for my internship next year. Those of you who know me, know how much I love England and Europe in general. If I went, I'd have to go by myself because I don't think my friend will be able to come with me. It will be approximately $6000. I won't get to graduate on time. I can walk with all my friends in May, but I'd have to finish my internship over the summer, and get my diploma in August. Even with all the negatives of going to a foreign country alone, and having to pay a lot, and not graduating on time.... I think I'm going to do it. Who knows when I'll have the chance to see England again? I'm young, and not tied down to anything here, so why not? God has a plan for me, and I need to learn how to trust him even though it scares me to death.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
So here is a long blog... that gives you some information about my life.
If you read all of it, kudos to you for being brave enough to sit through this small book of my life :)
i will continue to make posts, hopefully daily, of my devotions with God and seeking guidance from my peers. I won't post them to facebook everyday, but if you are interested, whenever they are posted to facebook, you can scroll through the other ones if you'd like.
I really appreciate the love and support I get from everyone. I love you :)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Raw & Vulnerable
Living a life worthy of the "Christian" title is one to aspire to, but it is nothing easy to achieve. I've noticed over the years that being a Christian -- or having the label anyway-- is a popular thing in today's society. Actually living the life, on the other hand, is nothing everyone is jumping up and down to do. This is where I fall: a lukewarm Christian. I hate it. God doesn't really accept a lukewarm Christian either:
'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16
Be something! Don't just be in the middle, where you understand the life you're supposed to live and believe in Christ, but refuse or are too lazy to do anything about it. Life is not about you or me. It's about serving Christ and loving others. Too often people forget that Christ died for us. I know I have a hard time grasping the fact that he physically was tortured and humiliated for me. It sounds like a great story when you read about it and hear it being preached in church.... But can I honestly sit and say that the meaning that comes with Christ's death and resurrection has really resonated with me? It's hard to believe in things that are hard to understand. The fact that Jesus walked the earth 2000 years ago and conquered death for me... well it's hard to wrap my head around it. To experience that kind of love... I just don't know. It's hard for that to sink in. Being let down continuously by family, friends, and peers leads one to believe that true love doesn't really exist anymore. It's a little disheartening...
I say all that to say this... I'm a struggling lukewarm Christian.
On a journey..
to fall in love..
with the one and only: Jesus Christ.
I have been smooth sailing through life for far too long and I have been called to a more Christ-like life for a while now. I need to be raw and vulnerable to God, and the only way I can do that, is to be open about my journey to finding true love with Him. I need to be raw and vulnerable to my peers and be held accountable. That led to my decision to blog. I need support, and advice from people to help me stay strong and responsible. We were never meant to go through this journey alone.
'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot.
'So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.
-Rev 3:15-16
Be something! Don't just be in the middle, where you understand the life you're supposed to live and believe in Christ, but refuse or are too lazy to do anything about it. Life is not about you or me. It's about serving Christ and loving others. Too often people forget that Christ died for us. I know I have a hard time grasping the fact that he physically was tortured and humiliated for me. It sounds like a great story when you read about it and hear it being preached in church.... But can I honestly sit and say that the meaning that comes with Christ's death and resurrection has really resonated with me? It's hard to believe in things that are hard to understand. The fact that Jesus walked the earth 2000 years ago and conquered death for me... well it's hard to wrap my head around it. To experience that kind of love... I just don't know. It's hard for that to sink in. Being let down continuously by family, friends, and peers leads one to believe that true love doesn't really exist anymore. It's a little disheartening...
I say all that to say this... I'm a struggling lukewarm Christian.
On a journey..
to fall in love..
with the one and only: Jesus Christ.
I have been smooth sailing through life for far too long and I have been called to a more Christ-like life for a while now. I need to be raw and vulnerable to God, and the only way I can do that, is to be open about my journey to finding true love with Him. I need to be raw and vulnerable to my peers and be held accountable. That led to my decision to blog. I need support, and advice from people to help me stay strong and responsible. We were never meant to go through this journey alone.
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